Welcome to The Flourishing Teacher's Field Guide.

This week, we’re responding to one of the biggest challenges teachers like us face. A challenge that keeps us working late, feeling overwhelmed, and struggling to maintain boundaries. 

The people-pleasing cycle.

If you've ever found yourself saying "yes" when you desperately wanted to say "no," this one's for you…

Why Do Teachers Find It So Hard To Say No?

I spent most of my early teaching career saying yes. It didn’t matter what I was being asked - I said yes because I was too scared not to. 

Yes to covering that extra class. Yes to joining another committee. Yes to creating and sharing resources for everyone. Yes to taking on just one more responsibility. 

It wasn’t that I really wanted to say yes - I was worried I’d lose my job if I didn’t play the game. 

But here's what I've learned…

Saying "no" isn't unprofessional - it's essential for sustainable teaching and a sustainable life.

Research undertaken by Dr. Brené Brown shows that people-pleasing isn't actually about being nice - it's about managing anxiety and avoiding conflict. We say yes to avoid feeling guilty, to be liked, to comply with an internal belief system or because we're afraid of disappointing others.

But here's the thing - every time we say yes when we mean no, we're teaching others that our boundaries don't matter.

Here's how to change that...

3 Evidence-Based Strategies For Breaking The Yes Cycle

1. Values-Based Decision Making

The key to breaking the people-pleasing cycle isn't willpower - it's clarity. When you're clear on your values, saying "no" becomes easier because you're saying "yes" to what matters most.

Try this values alignment exercise:

• List your top 5 professional values (e.g., student growth, work-life balance, continuous learning, developing professional practice)

• Rate every request against these values

• If it doesn't align with at least two values, it's a clear "no"

Research from the Harvard Business Review shows that decisions aligned with personal values are 80% more likely to stick, even under pressure.

2. The Strategic Pause Technique

"Let me check my calendar and get back to you" might be the most powerful phrase in a people-pleaser's toolkit. 

This simple delay creates space between request and response, allowing you to make decisions from a place of clarity rather than guilt.

Ready-to-use pause responses:

• "Thanks for thinking of me. I'll need to check my current commitments and get back to you by [specific time]."

• "I appreciate you asking. Could you give me until tomorrow to make sure I can give this the attention it deserves?"

• "That sounds interesting. I'll review my schedule and respond by [day/time]."

Handling pushback:

• If someone presses for an immediate answer: "I understand you need an answer, but I've learned that I make better decisions when I take time to consider them properly."

• If they try to guilt-trip you: "I respect you too much to make a commitment I'm not certain I can fulfill."

• If they keep insisting: "I need to maintain this boundary to be effective in my current responsibilities."

3. Energy Preservation Protocol

People-pleasing isn't just emotionally draining - it creates tangible energy leaks in your day. The key is identifying and eliminating these drains before they deplete you.

I’ve found that a valuable way of reviewing and planning my energetic spend is to create an energy map.

Sample Energy Map:

Morning Energy (8-11am)

• High energy: Perfect for new concepts/challenging classes

• Common drain: Agreeing to early morning meetings

• Solution: Block this time for teaching only, and push to schedule meetings later in the day

Midday Energy (11am-2pm)

• Medium energy: Good for administrative tasks

• Common drain: Saying yes to lunchtime duties

• Solution: Protect your lunch break at least twice a week by maintaining consistent boundaries and setting clear expectations

Afternoon Energy (2-5pm)

• Lower energy: Best for routine tasks

• Common drain: Taking on additional pastoral or co-curricular responsibilities

• Solution: Set clear end-of-day boundaries and recognise the value of this time in relation to tomorrow’s teaching effectiveness

Track your own patterns for a week, noting when you feel most depleted and what preceded that feeling.

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Thank You For Everything

Remember, setting boundaries isn't selfish - it's essential for sustainable teaching. Every time you honour your limits, you're modeling healthy behavior for your colleagues and students.

Never forget, you’re a wonderful role model for everyone else in your school community, both as a teacher and as a human being.

You’re amazing, and you deserve to stay that way.

Here's a quick reminder of our strategies for breaking the people-pleasing cycle:

Remember, you're more than your marking, your lesson observations and your planning.

You're you. And that's all you need to be.